Good help is hard to find. Go ask Puffy Combs, whose part-time chauffeur appears to be spilling the beans faster than a speeding bullet in a hip-hop club shooting.

Puffy, along with his fiancée Jennifer "My-Ass-Is-Worth-A-Billion-Dollars" Lopez, has been linked to one such shooting, which occurred on December 27, 1999 inside a Times Square nightclub. Puffy has repeatedly denied any association with the event, continuing to tell reporters, "I had nothing to do with it. I was just relaxing, having a couple of drinks in-between stealing other people's material when I heard the shots."

Wardel Fenderson, a part-time driver for Puffy's Bad Boy Entertainment company, may be saying otherwise. Fenderson has reportedly been cooperating with prosecutors, who are trying to build an obstruction-of-justice case against Combs. May I suggest to the authorities that if they fail in this effort, they consider building a case of copyright infringement against Combs so they don't walk away empty-handed. It should be relatively easy. The evidence is available in one of any number of record stores across the country.

According to sources, Fenderson ran at least 6,000 or 7,000 red lights as he sped Combs and Lopez from the West 43rd Street club. Reportedly, the driver would have safely whisked his passenger away from pursuing police but unfortunately a couple of pedestrians became lodged in his front wheels as he ran the last dozen or so traffic lights. It was at that time that the cops discovered a stolen 9mm Smith & Wesson under the vehicle's front seat.

Sources say that Puffy attempted to claim that the gun actually belonged to the 64-year-old grandmother who was then lodged between the rim and the front tire of his Lincoln Navigator, but authorities didn't buy any of it. Instead, they arrested all passengers for gun possession and dislodged the grandmother with a crowbar.

Jennifer Lopez

Criminal prosecution is not the end of Combs's worries. He is being sued for $50 million by Robert Thompson (spoiled sport that he is) who received a bullet wound to the shoulder during the shooting. Another victim, Natalia Reuben, who was shot in the nose, will wait until the grand jury investigation concludes before proceeding with a suit. One should not worry unduly, however, about Puffy. While $50 million may seem like a lot of doe, it's a mere pittance in relation to the value of Lopez's rear end which, as stated earlier, is worth a cool billion dollars and currently collecting a compounded interest rate of 7.5 percent on a daily basis.

Combs's associate, Jamal "Shyne" Barrow, has been indicted on attempted murder charges related to the shooting. Grand Jury proceedings against Combs and Lopez are set for Thursday, January 13, 2000. The couple's marriage, however, is still slated for next year, at which time they plan to have a traditional ceremony following by a good old fashioned gun battle in which several guests have various parts of their faces and bodies altered by speeding bullets.