Norah Jones at the 45th Annual Grammy Awards held at Madison Square Garden, NYC, Feb. 23, 2003. Photo © 2003 Grammy.com.

During No Doubt's acoustic rendition of "Underneath It All," I almost didn't recognize Gwen Stefani with so many clothes on. But she stripped down for "Hella Good" and there was no mistaking that ubiquitous torso. What the hell was up with those suspended dancers hanging from ropes? Kinda hard to dance with no floor and not look like you're having a spasm. No Doubt's "Hey Baby" won the first Grammy of the evening for Best Performance by a Pop Duo or Group with Vocal – a category that I knew two of the artists in. (Who the hell is Bowling for Soup?)

B.B. King at the 45th Annual Grammy Awards held at Madison Square Garden, NYC, Feb. 23, 2003. Photo © 2003 Grammy.com.

This year's focus was on a plethora of young singer-songwriters who are truly great in their respective genres – John Mayer, Vanessa Carlton, Michelle Branch, Norah Jones, and Avril Lavigne. (Yes, I think Avril is great. Deal with it already.) But the old-old schoolers were in the house to represent one way or another. Lou Reed presented an award as did Bonnie Raitt and B.B. King; James Taylor sang his hit "Sweet Baby James"; and I already mentioned Simple Simon and Funky Uncle Garfunkel.

The night belonged to pianist Norah Jones for her charming, lusciously lazy "Don't Know Why" from Come Away With Me. Personally, I "don't know why" there's only been one single released from that album. Can we please get another single off that album?! Christ, how long can you milk that cow before its udders get all chapped and red? The cow won for Best Pop Vocal Album, Album of the Year, and Record of the Year. Moo.

Justin Timberlake asked Kylie Minogue if he could grab her ass again, to which the bootylicious Aussie squeaked, "Nnnno!" It was definitely a squeak. Yikes.

The award for shortest skirt, a.k.a. the Hot Crotch Award, goes to Faith Hill. She looked frighteningly like Christina Aguilera with overly bronzed skin and overly bleached hair. Bad. Very bad. But damn, if that woman can't sing like an angel on steroids.

With his flowing plum-colored velvet goth coat and bald head, Paul Shaffer looked like Billy Corgan from the latter's Adore period. That's not a good look for anyone besides Nosferatu, and that guy's, like, dead or something.

Eminem won Best Rap Album for The Eminem Show and gave a pretty sweet-ass performance of his hottest song of the year "Lose Yourself" with the Roots. Ironically, "Lose Yourself" is from the 8-Mile Soundtrack, not The Eminem Show. Did anyone else think it looked like Em was smelling his index finger during that song?

Avril Lavigne at the 45th Annual Grammy Awards held at Madison Square Garden, NYC, Feb. 23, 2003. Photo © 2003 Grammy.com.

Queen Latifah, currently blowing up with her roles in Chicago and Bringing Down the House, introduced the Dicksy Chicks... excuse me, "Dixie" Chicks... who sang their cover of Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide." Incidentally, the middle Chick's blonde bangs were so vertical and high off her head that Gwen Stefani flew into a rage and totally, like, called her a poseur. Maybe it didn't happen, but like, it totally could have. Totally.

Members of the New York Philharmonic teamed up with Coldplay on the latter's "Politik," which was so intense it gave lead Coldplayer Chris Martin seizures behind his piano. The dude was freakin' out as if there was a feather tickling his English bum. Unfortunately, the Philharmonic was not as animated. I would've loved to see the tuba player react with similar gusto.

Best Hard Rock Performance went to the Foo Fighters for "All My Life." Can I just say how damn sexy Dave Grohl looked with his Brad Pitt-inspired haircut and dapper black suit? He thanked his girlfriend while drummer Taylor Hawkins scratched himself; and some dude onstage with them felt the need to thank B.B. King. "I, I was gonna say that," joked Grohl. Nice save, Dave.

Aretha Franklin looked like a wedding cake. A very scary one.

Cyndi Lauper and Alicia Keys presented Norah Jones with Best New Artist. Jones said the word "shit" and it had to be censored. I figured that was noteworthy.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg wore a large, magenta bow tie with his black tux. Dude, no.

It's no surprise that my favorite moment was the all-star tribute to the late Clash frontman and punk guru Joe Strummer. Bruce Springsteen, Elvis Costello, Dave Grohl, and Steven Van Zandt rocked a stupendous cover of "London Calling," and it was the only moment of the Grammys where I actually turned the volume up.

Moo.