March 2001

Hello, Folks! Because our last offering, the Home Abortion Kit, was nothing short of a raving success, we've decided to expand our mail-order business with a new product, an exciting video game with unrivaled entertainment value entitled "School Shooting."

Imagine, you're a 12-year-old with access to more weapons then the Israeli Army and United States Marines combined. You're pissed off because you've been smoking crack all year instead of doing your homework and now the bastards have actually flunked you. So you pack your arsenal of weapons in your gym bag and hop on the school bus with blood lust in your heart. This is where the actions starts.

"School Shooting" incorporates the latest 3-D technology which puts you right in the fray of things. You'll be running the hallways mowing down janitors, classmates, gym teachers and guidance counselors alike. What fun! And if you act now, we'll throw in the damn Home Abortion Kit and a couple of pipe bombs to boot.

Disclaimer: For all you party-poopers who think our fine product will encourage teen violence, we should mention that surveys indicate there is absolutely no connection between teaching teenagers how to kill and maim, and the actual acts themselves -- or something like that.

And now to this month's content ...

• CD Reviews: Aerosmith, Buckcherry, Spacehog, Our Lady Peace, Run DMC, the Donnas, Henry Rollins, BS2000, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, the Houseman
• Interviews: Eminem, Dweezil Zappa
• Movie Reviews: Enemy at the Gates, the Mexican
• Concert Reviews: Fear Factory, Kittie, Union Underground, Evan Dando, Peter Frampton