December 1996 — Now that there are more Jenny McCarthy websites than people in China, felt it was high time that someone went in to sort this mess out. With the price of Penthouse magazine being what it is these days, we figured we would not only be performing a service to the Web community but to our wallets and libidos as well.

Assembling this piece was not without its problems, however. We at feel that putting up a Jenny McCarthy website is pretty much a mindless and stupid application of one's time. We wondered, therefore, why anyone would bother to do it. After mulling the issue over for a good five to ten minutes, we decided that being mindless and stupid was probably the whole idea and that the webmasters were actually nuclear scientists and high profile lawyers by day who needed to give their brains a little break in the evening. It was on this premise that we proceeded.

To execute this task, we gathered an esteemed panel of judges including Otto Luck and Didi Delicious (of ), Walter Cronkite (former CBS anchorman) and Ann Abel (of XXX Escort Services).

The judges were given a strict set of guidelines such as no coyote calls at the monitors during working hours, no auto-eroticism while on the job, and no digressing to Pamela Anderson sites at any time during the proceedings. In addition, our esteemed panel was instructed to rate the contenders according to the following criteria.

1. Level of Obsequious Flattery and Pure Unadulterated Fawning.The more the better. In fact, if we could spot actual drool on the author's web pages, the site became an instant semi-finalist.

2. Number of Suggestive Photos. The less clothing the better. The more of Jenny we were able to see, the higher the rating.

3. Content. The less content the better. The more of Jenny we were able to see, the higher the rating.

At last count there were 97 million Jenny sites out there. Of course, at one point the sites numbered well into the billions until some nasty killjoy called Playboy magazine went around yanking the plug on half of them. Nevertheless, the Jenny population is still quite profuse so we thought it would be wise to narrow our presentation to the top four finalists. So now, without any further adieu, here are the winners...

2nd Runner-Up
My Jenny Collection
http://drh.net/joz/jenny.htm * defunct *
We've had no choice but to demote this site from its former status as winner to its current standing in the Jenny competition. Gone are the more noteworthy attractions such as "Jenny standing in bikini with hockey stick and other sports equipment" and "Jenny in Black Lingerie," "Jenny in Purple Lingerie," "Jenny in Navy Blue Lingerie," and "Jenny in Orange Bra." Instead, we get Jenny holding a beach ball and her shoes, etc. Go figure...

1st Runner-Up
The Unofficial Jenny McCarthy Fan Club
http://www.jenny-mccarthy.com
Unfortunately, this site contains no nude or nearly-nude photos. In fact, if it was not for the admirable level of unabashed fawning, the "Fan Club" wouldn't have even claimed second place. Our favorite passage: "I created this site as a tribute to the most beautiful and charming person I have ever seen. This is just my way of thanking Jenny for being Jenny." Really...

The Winner!
J*E*N*N*Y*M*A*N*I*A
http://www.vcn.com/~fairchild/mccarthy/
We must be getting soft in our old age – we actually like this site. It's got a classy layout, which actually should disqualify it immediately if we were to rigorously apply our rating system. But, hey, there are some decent shots of Jenny, one or two of which we actually haven't seen before (and, believe me, we've seen enough of Jenny's flesh to last a lifetime). Moreover, this site looks like it's in for the long haul and, quite frankly, we're getting more than tired of updating this page with new winners after the old ones go belly up on the old Web.

Well, that's it folks. We're a service-oriented operation and we now feel we've done our duty. For anyone out there who notices that there are quite a few Jenny Websites that went unnoticed in this piece, we extend our heartfelt apologies. However, after a few thousand hours of viewing Jenny's lovely silicon implants in all their raging glory, we could take no more. We're afraid, you're on your own from here.