On June 28, 1997, ABC's 20/20 met and surpassed my expectations in every way imaginable. To witness this wretched squalor of a program feeding America's insatiable appetite for sensationalism while passing itself off as investigative journalism was truly gut-wrenching.

Barbara Walters – who should have been stuffed and mounted long ago – kicked off the show by asking, "Do you think prostitution should be legal in this country? Once before we spotlighted that provacative issue with a look at the world's oldest profession..."

At first I admit I was duly impressed. Only once? Gee, what restraint. I would have thought they'd have this stuff on weekly. Hmm, very classy indeed, I thought, as I kicked back waiting for some good hooker shots to wash across my TV.

Why not let the populace have a little fun for a change?

I didn't have long to wait. In seconds, my living room was transported from the Upper East Side to 42nd Street and Eight Avenue. Hot pants revealing plenty of cheek, four-inch stilletos and cheap wigs flashed across my screen like neon marquees. Unfortunately, the unbearable voice of John Stossel also shot out from the little box. "It's an ugly and never-ending game," he belched. "It's played out every night across America, etc. etc."

Stossel then went on to interview a parade of politicians, hookers and johns. Included in the sorry lot was Orrin Hatch, head of the Senate Judiciary Committee, who has the IQ of a sponge. "There are things in this life that are right to do, there are things that are wrong," he blurted out. (Translation: Giving your money to street hookers is wrong. Sending it to the whores on Capitol Hill is very good indeed.)

The show proceeded with a few more obligatory interviews, including San Francisco DA Terence Hallinan and former Kansas City/San Jose Chief of Police Joseph McNamara who both had the guts and foresight to speak out against keeping prostitution illegal – and with good humor to boot. At one point, Stossel picked up a phone book and pointed out that there are 14 pages of escort services listed, as if he expected the DA to start making arrests right there. Hallinan, however, just smiled and said, "Don't forget the massage parlors... there's 14 more pages right there."

Unfortunately, that was where the segment peaked. Throughout the remainder of the piece I learned very little other than the fact that ABC knows how to sell a little T&A. A wishy-washy statement was all that 20/20 built up to: Prostitution may denigrate women but does keeping it illegal really help matters, blah, blah, blah.

Sex: A thorny issue

Timid bullshit like this is not the stuff that made this country great. I'm sure our forefathers would have been sickened by this half-hearted attempt at provacative journalism. For once, why not be bold. Grab the proverbial bull by the horns and make a statement. How about...

"Not only should prostitution be legal. Dammit, let's make it free!"

What would be the advantage to this? A whole lot of free sex, for one thing. You think the internet's gonna make you happy. Will a brand new Buick Skylark do the trick? Forget it. Nothing beats sex, baby, for fun under the sun.

Why not fire pricks like Hatch, set up a reserve fund that gets subsidized with all the cash that would have otherwise gone into his and his cronies' pockets, and use the money to run a government sponsored free sex business – not unlike the library system as we know it today, but a lot more exciting. Why not let the populace have a little fun for a change. There would be fewer prostitutes getting beat up and murdered, and far more horny married men with pocket change left to spend on their families. Under this innovative system, hookers would get paid, clients would get laid, and all would be happy – except for Hatch, of course, but then you can't please everyone, can you.