Exotic Erotic Ball, Webster Hall, NYC, 11/28/01 Photo by Glyn Emmerson, © 2001 NY Rock MORE PHOTOS

Covering the exotic and erotic whips the cream out of reporting live from what's left of Afghanistan and I knew the sordid sights and debauched delights would be well worth the wear and tear on my motorcycle boot heels. So if the idea of giant cocktail glasses garnished with burlesque bathing beauties at a club where the tequila is cheaper than water is your idea of a good time, then brother you're my kinda guy, gal or Miss Thing in-between. And the Exotic Erotic Ball is our kinda party.

After running Webster Hall's gauntlet of doormen, guest lists, and metal detectors, I toured the "lay of the land" so to speak and found three floors of go-go, pre-op, dom-sub depravity was already clicking its stiletto heels and dragging into high gear. While checking my coat and looking over the schedule of hedonistic headliners – including Joanie Laurer, the Playboy cover girl and WWF wrestler formerly known as Chyna – I saw one randy reveler handing over everything but his studded leather jockstrap. I couldn't help but wonder where he was going to put his claim ticket. Toto, clearly we're not in Tora Bora anymore.

Joanie Laurer, Exotic Erotic Ball, Webster Hall NYC, 11/28/01, Photo by Glyn Emmerson Photo © 2001 NY Rock   MORE PHOTOS

"We've got entertainment for everyone," claims Perry Mann, founder and producer of the Exotic Erotic Ball, an annual omelet of orgiastic oddballs which began in San Francisco in 1979 and attracts more than 15,000 fun-loving freakazoids of nature to its Cirque D Sexuality. Past performers and celebrity guests read like a "who's who" of subculture heroes and weirdos including Madonna, Dennis Rodman, adult actress Nina Hartley, Joan Jett and even roots-rock crooner Chris Isaak.

Leading off the lusty lunacy at Webster Hall's main stage was the "totally legendary" team of Dita Von Tesse and D'lish who stripped and teased to a burlesque beat, right down to their glittery g-strings before taking a scintillating dip in their bath-sized, six-foot-high champagne glasses. A ravishing red head and a bodacious brunette, they made for a winning pair, while each busted out a winning pair of her own.

I was feeling even more thirsty than usual after Dita and D'lish's titillating gyrations, but thankfully it wasn't long before I slaked my parched palate at Webster Hall's well-placed watering holes. This is one outlaw aspect that NYC's Exotic Erotic has over the San Fran edition. Held at the cavernous Cow Palace, the San Fran show boasts a larger and more elaborately costumed crowd, but not nearly as many bars. Now more than ever, I'll take Manhattan. Straight up, with three cherries, please.

Refueled and ready to groove I next caught the informative antics of "Crackpot Sexologist" Dr. Ducky Doolittle, whose lab coat, sketchpad and sarcastic sex lecture have been seen on "Behind Closed Doors" (Playboy TV), "Sex Bytes" (HBO) and "The Howard Stern Show" (E!). One highlight of Dr. Ducky's diatribe is a litany of foreign objects including spatulas, bananas and Mrs. Butterworth bottles that emergency-room records report have been removed from the amorous anuses of over-eager rump rangers. With her vast carnal knowledge of human, animal and even insect sexuality, Dr. Doolittle takes the cake. But look out, cause there's no telling where she might want to stick it.

Selena, aka Pink Snow from NYC band Porn Rock. Exotic Erotic Ball, Webster Hall, NYC, 11/28/01 Photo by Glyn Emmerson Photo © 2001 NY Rock MORE PHOTOS

Despite Dr. Doolittle's head-of-the-crass credentials, the most notable among the naughty and notorious at this year's Exotic Erotic was "actress" Joanie Laurer, best known as Chyna, the alarming Amazon babe of the World Wrestling Federation. While not exactly the advertised "Ninth Wonder of the World" Joanie put her best thigh-high boot forward in her role as Dominatrix in Training. Spurred on, as it were, by the elegant Emcee Lady Bunny, Mistress Joanie cracked a wicked whip, called an aspiring slave a "scum sucking pig" and rode across the stage on the back of another all-too-willing volunteer. Without the WWF behind her it's doubtful Chyna will get another fifteen minutes of fame. But if her Exotic Erotic performance is any indication she won't have any trouble keeping her boots spit-shined.

And so the Exotic Erotic Ball bounced from stage to stage, floor to floor, back to the bar and upstairs for more. Provocative and watertight fashion was on display courtesy of NY's own lady in latex, the Baroness and her Fetish Retinue. Standup drag king Mr. Murray Hill held court with lecherous one-liners that were good for a stiff belt or two. Borscht belt that is. There were even competitions for such dubious degrees as best costume and Mr. and Miss Exotic Erotic Ball, not to mention vacations to Jamaica's all-inclusive, adults-only playground, Hedonism III. Perhaps it was the surprisingly scrawny winner of the Mr. Exotic Erotic title who summed up the evening most succinctly when for his speech, he said, "I like having sex."

Thus if visions of lesbian go-go girls gagging on the strap-on satisfaction of their faux moustache-wearing masters haunt your daydreams and keep your palms sweating at night, don't miss next year's Exotic Erotic Ball. Where, for one night at least, you can be the tipsy transvestite on stilts your mother knows you've become since moving to New York City and still not be the biggest loon in the room.